Four weeks!!

I woke up at four last night thinking I would rather sleep but in the same moment realising I could not because my attention was immediately drawn to this fact: Four weeks to go! (Should I set up a will?) If I do not get something to sleep on at the hospital I will surely not sleep much and after all I am supposed to stay awake during the operation! What seemed so simple on paper is really beginning to grow into something I am afraid I can not handle, especially because I feel very much alone. A grown up man is not supposed to be asking desperately for some sympathy, but I can not hold it back: I thought this blog would help, but it does not because nobody gives any response even if I only ask for some simple advice. Being neglected when begging for attention  is sad.

Still, perhaps  this is only Mr Destiny poking his nose  at me, after all its only a few days gone since I turned down an offer from some of my best  friends to help me out in some troublesome money matters which also                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  occured because of  MrP. So who am I to expect anything?

Luckily, as I woke up last night, I did not dream what I have been dreaming over and over during the last weeks, a nightmare surely. I dream that I wake up  in a strange house which I anyway know where is. I feel trapped and I can not or -rather-  am not able to find a way out in the unfamiliar surroundings.I have this strong notion  that I must leave in a hurry or something terrible will happen. Some mornings I awake trying to find my way through the wall...

The fear that I will not be fit for the operation

Today it is March 2nd. In exactly one month  I will be on the operation table. Will I be cool enough to try to crack some jokes like Michael does in the film?  I doubt it. Anyway, my main concern now is to get my body up on that table on schedule. I was reminded that this isn't happening if I am not fit when I woke up yesterday with a clear understanding that I do have a back.. Tha last time I felt more or less the same way was two years ago, and I had to undergo several treatments by the local chiropractor to be on my feet again without mobilizing everything to keep up  the pain. So what am I to do now? Hopefully it will disappear (the distinct feeling that I do have a back) in a few days, but if not I suppose I must see the expert? Or should I see him anyway? What will yor advise me to do?